Catherine

"My very first sexual experience, I was coerced. I had agreed to perform a sexual act but got scared in the moment. I said "I don't know" and he said "just do it" and nudged my head forward. We then tried to have PIV sex, but my body wouldn't let me. It took me awhile to learn that I had vaginismus, and even longer to learn what body already knew: this wasn't consensual and I wasn't safe.

We dated for a long time without even being in the same state as one another. And when we did met up, I had even more of a libido than he did, and I did enjoy it most of the time. Even when it hurt. What I didn't enjoy was his irritation and disappointment when my vaginismus caused me too much pain to continue, and his comments about still being a virgin.

Once we started living together, I don't really know when things changed; when my libido shot to zero. I can't pinpoint one specific event that started it, but I do remember some events. When I was three weeks postpartum and he made me...please him in the shower, while our child was on the other side of the shower curtain. I was so tired and still sore from a c-section and only wanted to sleep, but he did anyways. When he told me-with a smile on his face-that I "owed" him for helping me with some car problems or picking up my antidepressants. When he told me that we should get divorced, since I was "never in the mood anyways".

And now, I feel like shit when I say no, worse when I say yes, and disgusting if my body actually starts to enjoy it. And I don't know how to get out."