Letter from a Husband

December 17th, 2021, I received an email from a man who shared the same name as my then husband. I had been on TikTok for a year, talking daily about sexual coercion and how my husband had very slowly worn down not only my trust in him, but in men, and in love itself. This man appeared in my inbox with a message that grabbed me by the shoulders and turned me around to see something I was going to miss if I kept on down the path of bitterness I was on. Men grow and change too, with the right watering.

Nat,

Found your TikTok a few weeks ago and have been watching ever since. I wanted to thank you for the work that you’re doing - it’s so important. Sharing a few of your videos with my wife opened up the door for some really helpful conversation.

It wasn’t easy to see and hear glimpses of myself in your words, recognizing that I’m guilty of those forms of coercion that are so easy to brush off as “not a big deal.” In talking with my wife, it’s pretty clear that my reactions when I’ve tried to initiate and she isn’t in the mood (a sigh, eye roll, overtly disappointed behavior) have created times where she’s felt it better to “just go ahead and do it” rather than deal with me being grumpy, passive aggressive, or moody afterwards.

It’s embarrassing, because those kinds of behaviors are how my kids react when they don’t get something they want. Certainly not befitting a grown ass man. Having talked through it has made me aware to be mindful that the little things have a cumulative effect and build up over time. So it’s an area I will continue to work on, talk through with my therapist, and keep talking about.

I’m guilty far too often of the line of thinking that men bring to your comment threads all the time - that when sex isn’t what either of us wants it to be the problem is about the sex. But I’m learning that this is rarely the case - and if the sex isn’t flowing naturally in an organic way for both of us, the problem is likely something else going on with one of us or in our relationship - and that deeper problem is what deserves my attention and effort.

Anyway, I don’t meant to ramble in your inbox. I just know you don’t get a lot of positive input from men, and this is more than I could say in a comment or two. As a man and husband, thank you for helping open my eyes to an area I need to grow in and bring real change to.

Keep up the work that you’re doing!